My Roommate Doesn't Read My Blog

As a result, I can share this awesomeness with you fine people.

This is our shower.

Nice and simple, nothing special. It is hard to get a picture to illustrate my point, so I will explain. The shower head rotates wherever you point it. Currently, this is how my roommate left it pointed. The picture is taken from the door, the shower head is pointed right out of the shower door.

Imagine the surprise of the sorry motherfucker (me) who sleepily flips on the shower in the morning to heat up the water, suddenly shriveled up like a field mouse because I got a 7:00 a.m. cold jet of pure misery all over me and the bathroom floor.

Absolute Bullshit!

However, I am a nice guy right? I'll just be the bigger person and all that.

No, fuck that, nice guys wake up and get sprayed in the dick with extremely cold showers.

Its all about retribution.

Made damn sure the sink is filled with my dirty dishes. I even ate two extra meals today to make sure it is a noticeable pile of dishes that she won't possibly be able to ignore tonight. Retribution is going to be a beautiful beautiful thing.

Ice Fishing Is Sweet

Not much of a post here, just a few pictures of ice fishing in Kentucky.

My sister's pond froze over and we were able to get out on it, chainsaw a few fishing holes and catch some fish. Going back in a few weeks!

Streak for the Cash - Don't Take Bro's Advice

So I've got back into the ESPN streak for the cash game lately because it is entertaining and addicting and I am awesome at it.

Pure unadulterated awesomeness

Apparently if you tweet about your streak there are multiple Twitter accounts that search for the word "Streak" and will tweet at you with suggestions. One such bro got into an argument with me about his pick and argued his brilliant point with me.

Whatever, not gonna hate, fair points... kind of.

Oh yeah dickhead? Gonna try to walk off shot ME like that?

Get real bitch.

The pick was Ajax winning by 2 goals or more. They had played each other earlier in the year and tied. Now, Ajax is the best team in that league, and they were not playing at home, its not a BAD pick, but when you've got a streak of 7.... its a risky pick. Ajax ended up winning 2-1, meaning his pick lost.

So, the following day after this colossal dickhead was wrong, I tweeted a simple ha ha out, not even @ him or anything. The result....

100% guarantee he says this to every person who  calls 

him out for his shitty ass picks. 

Congratulations dickhead, you allegedly got a streak of 25 once. Allegedly. 

I caught three fish in three casts in a row once. You don't see me waving my balls around Bill Dance's chin.

Douchebag.

Winter Officially Sucks

This winter, at the tender age of 26.... winter has finally broken me.

Yes, even me. I love hockey, I love snow, I love skiing, I love every fun winter activity in the world. I even thouroughly enjoy shoveling snow.

I hate winter.

I woke up this fine morning giving myself about a full hour of shoveling and salting and digging my car out of the god forsaken ice and snow. I was STILL an hour late for work because of this. Disregarding the 20 minutes I said fuck it and went back to bed before guilt won the day.

I quit, shovel yourself driveway.....

 you dick

 

What used to be a glorious majestic season of snow days and literally moving in to a buddies house for the week we had off from school (and his parents happened to be on a cruise every year) is not a cold hearted mistress.... and my goodness, what a bitch she is.

RIGHT IN THE FACE

The Douchebag People That Frequent The Gym

This blog is about a lot of things. 

This blog is about two things.

1) It is a place for me to dick around where I think I am funny and can share my (not) funniness with you fine people.
2) It is about the betterment of mankind.

Not you, asshole.

Doing my due diligence to represent 2), I joined the gym finally. I've never been a gym member before, mostly due to being spoiled living in my mom and dad's basement where they essentially had a full gym in-house.

There are lots of boring positives about joining a gym that nobody gives a shit about. I've lost 5 pounds, sweet, I lost just as much puking my ass off the night of my birthday... but I digress.

I'm here to talk about the negatives of joining the gym. That means you, douchebags of the gym-community!

1) The Grunter

I assume every gym has one of these people. This is the guy who clearly has more steroids in his arms at any given moment than A-Rod would take down in ten lifetimes.

This guy's sets consist of usually two reps, and each of them is followed by a sound something akin to... "UUGUUGUHHHHGGHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

We get it bro, you can lift a lot once. Congratulations, you get a sick reward of being hated by everyone. Don't believe me? Ask your parents. It is a 100% fact even they hate you now.

This. A thousand times this.

 

2) The Massive Chick In Yoga Pants :(  

 

 I almost didn't want to include this one. On one hand, I am really happy for heavy chicks working hard to better themselves. Its hard, its admirable, its respectable, and good for them.

However, when I walk into the gym and I see this kind of shit bouncing up and down on the treadmill... it is not okay:

(Thank you, PeopleOfWalmart)

 

I've seen the plus-size stores at the mall. I KNOW they exist. We, the other people of the gym, will make you a deal. If you can go an entire run on a treadmill without making someone physically ill, your outfit is acceptable. Until then, leave your "I have a dream" clothing at home.

 

3) Old Shameless Dude 

 

 

Fortunately I spend a grand total of zero time in the locker rooms. I just wear what I bring and keep it with me in order to stay the everliving hell out of the lockers. 

 

When I first joined the gym, I was given a tour. This tour has scarred me for the rest of my life. I saw more old balls in one walk through the locker room than a octogenarian hooker sees in a years worth of employment. 

 

Heard that Bro

 

In summary, go to the gym people of the world. Do it. Tear it up. Better yourselves and make the world a better looking and less foul place.

But for the love of god have some f**king courtesy!

 

Blog is Back

Hey All,

Ran into some creative difficulties with the blog, namely my vision versus reality. Yes it seems odd that happened this early into the blog, but such is life.

Basically my goal was to have almost a post a day and to have several contributors adding to that goal. At this time, couldn't find more writers so it will be primarily me writing when I can, which is difficult to do once a day.

So I will keep at it, though maybe not as consistent as I'd like to be. Keep checking!

Haha Jay Gruden...

May as well pop some bottles here in the 'Nati because Jay Gruden being gone and Hue Jackson being promoted can only be an upgrade for this squad.

Jay Gruden does deserve some credit for his time as the Bengals Offensive Coordinator, so I will get that garbage out of the way.

He came into Cincinnati with basically no receivers or quarterback and spent his time here molding them into solid players. Perhaps he is a good developer of talent and a good teacher. Players seem to like him, so thats nice.

At the end of the day, he had a ton of talented players and could not figure out a single way to use them. Andy Dalton sucks, lets make no mistake about that. Andy Dalton should never be throwing 50 times in a game, and probably shouldn't cross the 40 threshold too often either. Jay Gruden constantly failed to find ways to get guys the ball. People were excited about Tyler Eifert joining an already potent offense and could not get him consistently involved anywhere.

Most coaches can identify a weakness (Dalton) and try to work around it or minimize the negative effect it has on the team as a whole. This would include running the freaking ball once in awhile, and making adjustments or wrinkles to a game plan to throw opposing defenses off. San Diego players made no secret about the fact that the Bengals did exactly what they expected, there were no wrinkles or surprises. Not surprisingly, the Bengals were held to a season-low 10 points in the biggest game of the season.

Gruden decided that he was going to smash the square peg into a round hole and throw throw throw and constantly allow Dalton to put the Bengals in poor situations.

Get in there motherfucker!

 

 So fast forward to today..

Jay Gruden gets announced as the Head Coach of the Washington Redskins to the joy of all sensible Bengals fans. I did not listen to or watch his press conference but I did follow some of the reporters on Twitter and it sounds pretty damn hilarious.

• Gruden started by saying he was going to hold Robert Griffin III accountable and make him own up to mistakes and errors he makes.
• Hilarious because he had Andy Dalton shit the bed for 3 straight playoff seasons and following the most recent debacle, Dalton never once owned up to his 3 terrible turnovers and even managed to praise himself to the media
• Gruden said he was going to call his own plays in Washington

• Hilarious because he couldn't handle calling plays worth a shit in Cincinnati. He was mediocre (at best) and clearly struggled to find any way to throw opposing defenses off when it was his only job. How on Earth does he expect to do this in addition to the responsibilities of a Head Coach? 
•  Gruden said he would be making all personnel decisions for the Washington Redskins
• Hilarious for multiple reasons. First, this is another massive responsibility to add to the previous bullet point. Second, the only publicly known personnel decision we know of in Gruden's time as the Bengals Offensive Coordinator is the situation at Quarterback. The much maligned Mike Brown wanted to draft Colin Kaepernick and saw a lot of promise in him. Jay Gruden pushed for Andy Dalton and the rest is very depressing history.

Most teams are genuinely hurt when they lose a coordinator. When Mike Zimmer is hired by the Vikings, myself and many Bengals fans will be absolutely devastated. Jay Gruden leaving town is a massive blessing for this team. Good riddance, don't let the doors hit your ass on the way out.