Office Bathroom Etiquette

Going to the bathroom in the office should be a relieving experience. It is 2 minutes (or 30 minutes if you're some people) of relief from the otherwise bullshit and idiot-filled day. It is a holy place. Most men respect this sanctity because it is instilled in them from birth. It is innate.

Every once in awhile (or at least once a week at my damn job) some asshole rolls into the bathroom, completely blind to the rules and just ruins a good time. To the rules!

1) The Golden Rule

Every man knows the golden rule of bathroom etiquette. I shouldn't have to even list it, but for those of you who are clueless, the golden rule (and Man-Law rule) of bathroom etiquette is to leave a urinal between you and the next guy whenever possible.

The Mona Lisa of Bathroom Etiquette

 The most common offenders of this are old guys. I guess I get it, you're old and out of touch... whatever. It is still unacceptable no matter who you are. I don't wanna see your dangle, you don't need to see mine. If we are too close, the chances of this happening arise to unacceptable levels. Case Closed.

2) Bringing Food Into The Bathroom

I honestly did not know this was a problem until about three weeks ago. This is one of the nastiest habits I've ever seen. I was enjoying a nice whizz and suddenly I hear the "Crunch Crunch" sound of a guy just chomping into an apple. I don't care if you're going number 1 or 2, just wait to eat! The amount of germs and general nastiness involved in a typical men's public restroom is astounding.

I figure it saves time to just do the 

whole digestive cycle in one sitting.

 

3) No Small Talk 

 

Look, I get it. Nobody likes an awkward silence. Awkward silences are the second worst thing for guys to endure between each other. Its awful. Oh, what is the worst thing you ask? Fucking small talk.  Nobody wants to hear your commentary while using the facilities. 

 

-"Gee, you really had to go hah hah hah!"

-"I saw you last time I pee'd, we're on the same schedule!"

-"Hey, why the fuck is that guy over there eating an apple?" (okay, this one was me, I am guilty)

 

 4) Lift the Damn Seat

Sitting down on a toilet in any public facility is an awful and terrifying experience. You sit there and just pray the guy before you wasn't some monster heifer with some disgustingly unknown strain of ass-crabs that will ruin your life. If you're lucky, the seat is cold which means nobody's ass has been on it for hours. If you're not, you get the warm sensation that tells you that someone was here, and it was not very long ago.

Oh, thanks for the ass-crabs, Larry.

 

Lift the seat if you pee into a non-urinal. Clean up your mess. Don't foul up the place. You know how pissed off you'd be if the guy before you did it. Don't ruin someone else's 15 minutes of freedom because you're a selfish prick.

In the end... outside of the fact it gets us away from doing our job for a few minutes, using the restroom at work can suck. Public restrooms are awful places. Lets stop being selfish dicks and be a little less lazy to make it just a touch less awful for each other fellas.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Console Versus PC Gaming

With the hype around the next-generation consoles (namely Xbox One and PS4), I think it is an interesting conversation to visit the platform that almost none of my friends have ever considered. Now, my co-bloggers are extensive PC gamers, with experience in consoles as well.

Just about everyone I know and grew up with grew up on consoles. It is all we know and all we have ever really experienced. I love consoles and always have. That being said, consoles are a MASSIVE rip off my friends. The initial costs of a PC are significantly higher than a console. A decent gaming PC is going to cost around $1,000 (roughly, you can build one for cheaper). Compared to the $4-500 of a Xbox or Ps4, this seems insane. Consider this - a PC will last as long as an Xbox or PS, but the games are a whole different animal.

Nailed It!

 

First, consider Steam. If you are unfamiliar, think of steam as your Xbox or PS4 landing page, but for a PC. (There are others, but Steam is the easiest to work with). From Steam, you can download thousands (millions?) of games. There are tons and tons of great games with excellent (better than console) graphics, that you can download entirely free. Additionally, if you have games you want to pay $60 for because it is just SO good (Battlefield, COD, etc) they are still available for the same price or cheaper, and have better graphics than consoles. Steam also has weekly sales, as well as massive summer and winter sales where you can get the biggest and hottest games for like 70% off. You will NEVER see that for consoles.

Dear lord... its the motherload of sales.

Lets say a Console and PC both last 10 years. If you only buy 5 games a year, you're looking at close to $300 per year (hell, cut it to $180 for casual gamers) you are spending close to $3,000 on games alone over the life of a console. Compare that to the vast amount of Free to Play (F2P) PC games that are both entertaining and well developed and you see my point.

My friends, I'm afraid we have been misled our whole lives here! We could have had a better and cheaper experience all this time and we have missed it!

That being said, where the fuck are my car keys, this PS4 isn't going to go buy itself.

What do you want?! I didn't say I was gonna change.

P.S. Anyone want to start a FIFA 15 club? I was going to ask about NHL but shockingly those colossal retards at EA Sports didn't bother putting in any games modes when they released NHL15. What a buncha dicks!

Spring is Here, and I'm Still Not Stuck with just Baseball!

God bless you Kentucky Wildcats and Montreal Canadiens. Thanks to you and your awesome seasons/postseasons I have much more to look forward than just a team that I think all realistic Reds fans believe have an uphill battle ahead of them.

First, my Kentucky Wildcats. What an unbelievable tournament run. Who could have imagined this? What John Calipari has done this tournament is nothing short of fantastic. Kentucky is the first team to beat three Final Four teams from the previous year in one tournament. That is astounding! You've all read the blogs and stories on them, so I wont bore you with regurgitating the pundits news and views. I'll just post this...

There is a 99% chance I rewatched this replay

55 times since Sunday afternoon. 

 

 Second, the Montreal Canadiens have put together yet another fantastic regular season. It is absolutely amazing how well they have been playing lately, and watching the shitty Maple Leafs fall apart is always hilarious. With the exception of the NCAA tournament, the NHL Playoffs are far and away the best postseason in sports. Obviously many of you without an NHL team to pull for will disagree, but that is simply just the way it is. NHL playoffs start the day tax season ends, how glorious is that?!

Finally, I did watch Opening Day for the Reds and there were definitely some promising things. A healthy Johnny Cueto could bode extremely well for this season. I am not concerned about Billy Hamilton going 0-4. I am concerned about runners on 1st and 3rd with 0 outs and not being able to generate a single run with the heart of our lineup. That is flat out unacceptable. First shutout on opening day in 60 years. Ouch.

Accidentally Abusive

So apparently I lied when I told my roommate I would never abuse her.

Clocked her pretty good last night in my sleep. Apparently had a pretty wild dream and woke up flailing that caught her with a pretty good right hook.

Whoops.


(Abuse isn't funny, accidental abuse is hilarious)

My Roommate Doesn't Read My Blog

As a result, I can share this awesomeness with you fine people.

This is our shower.

Nice and simple, nothing special. It is hard to get a picture to illustrate my point, so I will explain. The shower head rotates wherever you point it. Currently, this is how my roommate left it pointed. The picture is taken from the door, the shower head is pointed right out of the shower door.

Imagine the surprise of the sorry motherfucker (me) who sleepily flips on the shower in the morning to heat up the water, suddenly shriveled up like a field mouse because I got a 7:00 a.m. cold jet of pure misery all over me and the bathroom floor.

Absolute Bullshit!

However, I am a nice guy right? I'll just be the bigger person and all that.

No, fuck that, nice guys wake up and get sprayed in the dick with extremely cold showers.

Its all about retribution.

Made damn sure the sink is filled with my dirty dishes. I even ate two extra meals today to make sure it is a noticeable pile of dishes that she won't possibly be able to ignore tonight. Retribution is going to be a beautiful beautiful thing.

Ice Fishing Is Sweet

Not much of a post here, just a few pictures of ice fishing in Kentucky.

My sister's pond froze over and we were able to get out on it, chainsaw a few fishing holes and catch some fish. Going back in a few weeks!

Streak for the Cash - Don't Take Bro's Advice

So I've got back into the ESPN streak for the cash game lately because it is entertaining and addicting and I am awesome at it.

Pure unadulterated awesomeness

Apparently if you tweet about your streak there are multiple Twitter accounts that search for the word "Streak" and will tweet at you with suggestions. One such bro got into an argument with me about his pick and argued his brilliant point with me.

Whatever, not gonna hate, fair points... kind of.

Oh yeah dickhead? Gonna try to walk off shot ME like that?

Get real bitch.

The pick was Ajax winning by 2 goals or more. They had played each other earlier in the year and tied. Now, Ajax is the best team in that league, and they were not playing at home, its not a BAD pick, but when you've got a streak of 7.... its a risky pick. Ajax ended up winning 2-1, meaning his pick lost.

So, the following day after this colossal dickhead was wrong, I tweeted a simple ha ha out, not even @ him or anything. The result....

100% guarantee he says this to every person who  calls 

him out for his shitty ass picks. 

Congratulations dickhead, you allegedly got a streak of 25 once. Allegedly. 

I caught three fish in three casts in a row once. You don't see me waving my balls around Bill Dance's chin.

Douchebag.

Winter Officially Sucks

This winter, at the tender age of 26.... winter has finally broken me.

Yes, even me. I love hockey, I love snow, I love skiing, I love every fun winter activity in the world. I even thouroughly enjoy shoveling snow.

I hate winter.

I woke up this fine morning giving myself about a full hour of shoveling and salting and digging my car out of the god forsaken ice and snow. I was STILL an hour late for work because of this. Disregarding the 20 minutes I said fuck it and went back to bed before guilt won the day.

I quit, shovel yourself driveway.....

 you dick

 

What used to be a glorious majestic season of snow days and literally moving in to a buddies house for the week we had off from school (and his parents happened to be on a cruise every year) is not a cold hearted mistress.... and my goodness, what a bitch she is.

RIGHT IN THE FACE

The Douchebag People That Frequent The Gym

This blog is about a lot of things. 

This blog is about two things.

1) It is a place for me to dick around where I think I am funny and can share my (not) funniness with you fine people.
2) It is about the betterment of mankind.

Not you, asshole.

Doing my due diligence to represent 2), I joined the gym finally. I've never been a gym member before, mostly due to being spoiled living in my mom and dad's basement where they essentially had a full gym in-house.

There are lots of boring positives about joining a gym that nobody gives a shit about. I've lost 5 pounds, sweet, I lost just as much puking my ass off the night of my birthday... but I digress.

I'm here to talk about the negatives of joining the gym. That means you, douchebags of the gym-community!

1) The Grunter

I assume every gym has one of these people. This is the guy who clearly has more steroids in his arms at any given moment than A-Rod would take down in ten lifetimes.

This guy's sets consist of usually two reps, and each of them is followed by a sound something akin to... "UUGUUGUHHHHGGHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

We get it bro, you can lift a lot once. Congratulations, you get a sick reward of being hated by everyone. Don't believe me? Ask your parents. It is a 100% fact even they hate you now.

This. A thousand times this.

 

2) The Massive Chick In Yoga Pants :(  

 

 I almost didn't want to include this one. On one hand, I am really happy for heavy chicks working hard to better themselves. Its hard, its admirable, its respectable, and good for them.

However, when I walk into the gym and I see this kind of shit bouncing up and down on the treadmill... it is not okay:

(Thank you, PeopleOfWalmart)

 

I've seen the plus-size stores at the mall. I KNOW they exist. We, the other people of the gym, will make you a deal. If you can go an entire run on a treadmill without making someone physically ill, your outfit is acceptable. Until then, leave your "I have a dream" clothing at home.

 

3) Old Shameless Dude 

 

 

Fortunately I spend a grand total of zero time in the locker rooms. I just wear what I bring and keep it with me in order to stay the everliving hell out of the lockers. 

 

When I first joined the gym, I was given a tour. This tour has scarred me for the rest of my life. I saw more old balls in one walk through the locker room than a octogenarian hooker sees in a years worth of employment. 

 

Heard that Bro

 

In summary, go to the gym people of the world. Do it. Tear it up. Better yourselves and make the world a better looking and less foul place.

But for the love of god have some f**king courtesy!

 

Blog is Back

Hey All,

Ran into some creative difficulties with the blog, namely my vision versus reality. Yes it seems odd that happened this early into the blog, but such is life.

Basically my goal was to have almost a post a day and to have several contributors adding to that goal. At this time, couldn't find more writers so it will be primarily me writing when I can, which is difficult to do once a day.

So I will keep at it, though maybe not as consistent as I'd like to be. Keep checking!

Haha Jay Gruden...

May as well pop some bottles here in the 'Nati because Jay Gruden being gone and Hue Jackson being promoted can only be an upgrade for this squad.

Jay Gruden does deserve some credit for his time as the Bengals Offensive Coordinator, so I will get that garbage out of the way.

He came into Cincinnati with basically no receivers or quarterback and spent his time here molding them into solid players. Perhaps he is a good developer of talent and a good teacher. Players seem to like him, so thats nice.

At the end of the day, he had a ton of talented players and could not figure out a single way to use them. Andy Dalton sucks, lets make no mistake about that. Andy Dalton should never be throwing 50 times in a game, and probably shouldn't cross the 40 threshold too often either. Jay Gruden constantly failed to find ways to get guys the ball. People were excited about Tyler Eifert joining an already potent offense and could not get him consistently involved anywhere.

Most coaches can identify a weakness (Dalton) and try to work around it or minimize the negative effect it has on the team as a whole. This would include running the freaking ball once in awhile, and making adjustments or wrinkles to a game plan to throw opposing defenses off. San Diego players made no secret about the fact that the Bengals did exactly what they expected, there were no wrinkles or surprises. Not surprisingly, the Bengals were held to a season-low 10 points in the biggest game of the season.

Gruden decided that he was going to smash the square peg into a round hole and throw throw throw and constantly allow Dalton to put the Bengals in poor situations.

Get in there motherfucker!

 

 So fast forward to today..

Jay Gruden gets announced as the Head Coach of the Washington Redskins to the joy of all sensible Bengals fans. I did not listen to or watch his press conference but I did follow some of the reporters on Twitter and it sounds pretty damn hilarious.

• Gruden started by saying he was going to hold Robert Griffin III accountable and make him own up to mistakes and errors he makes.
• Hilarious because he had Andy Dalton shit the bed for 3 straight playoff seasons and following the most recent debacle, Dalton never once owned up to his 3 terrible turnovers and even managed to praise himself to the media
• Gruden said he was going to call his own plays in Washington

• Hilarious because he couldn't handle calling plays worth a shit in Cincinnati. He was mediocre (at best) and clearly struggled to find any way to throw opposing defenses off when it was his only job. How on Earth does he expect to do this in addition to the responsibilities of a Head Coach? 
•  Gruden said he would be making all personnel decisions for the Washington Redskins
• Hilarious for multiple reasons. First, this is another massive responsibility to add to the previous bullet point. Second, the only publicly known personnel decision we know of in Gruden's time as the Bengals Offensive Coordinator is the situation at Quarterback. The much maligned Mike Brown wanted to draft Colin Kaepernick and saw a lot of promise in him. Jay Gruden pushed for Andy Dalton and the rest is very depressing history.

Most teams are genuinely hurt when they lose a coordinator. When Mike Zimmer is hired by the Vikings, myself and many Bengals fans will be absolutely devastated. Jay Gruden leaving town is a massive blessing for this team. Good riddance, don't let the doors hit your ass on the way out.

So I Watch Glee...

Fuck.

Its true.

I watch the everliving shit out of Glee. I enjoy music, and its cool to have songs sung in a different way. The plot is super retarded and ridiculous. I own that.

Its been real self-respect. I'll miss you

 

Usually we beg for comments because comments liven this up. This time, I demand comments. I need to know the answer to a simple question.

Do I have the Gay?

 

Before you comment, watch this and tell me its not awesome.

Here We Are Again...

Well.... that was depressing. As a Cincinnati sports fan, there have been countless depressing losses. This one hurts more than any other. The pieces of the puzzle fell miraculously for the Bengals. Yeah, we didn't get that first round bye, but we got easily the worst team in all the playoffs to come to our house where we are unbeaten.

Could not have asked for a prettier set up to get our first playoff win under Marvin Lewis and to get the monkey off everyone's back that we cant do it.

Then the game started...

You watched the game, so there is not much need to go into the play by play. I'll use my list format to point out my thoughts about what caused the Bengals to drop this game, and then we'll move into the debacle of this organization and where we can look to from here.

1) Andy Dalton

Far and away responsible party #1 for this loss. Frankly, this guy disgusts me. He has absolutely no clue what he is doing out there. He makes awful play after awful play and just cannot get the job done here.  The second Andy feels pressure, he tucks and scrambles and the play is immediately over. His decision making is miserable, and if you read this Gregg Doyel article he refuses to take accountability for his actions.

The interceptions were abysmal. Throwing off his back foot and throwing an out route 5 yards inside right to a defender. Its not new to us, but it sure is still disgusting. The fumble maybe one of the funniest plays of this moron's career. Diving for a first down when you're 5 yards short of it and fumbling when untouched is so Dalton its ridiculous.

Even after all of that, I was still willing to just deal with Dalton because I don't feel he is going anywhere soon. He sucks, but maybe he'll mature in year four....

Until I read the Gregg Doyel article linked above. Andy Dalton is a lousy player, and an even lousier leader. When a leader shits the bed in a game and costs his team the game, he owns up to it. He says "I didn't make the play" or "I turned the ball over and really hurt us."

Dalton took zero blame, and even found an opportunity to praise himself for the good season he thinks he had.

2) Jay Gruden

The fact that Jay Gruden is a head coaching candidate somewhere is hilarious to me. Thank god he is, because maybe we will be relieved of him without the awkward firing of him. This guy is as clueless as they come and he has been all year. Tyler posted comments in his post from several players about the Bengals offense. Zero adjustments, zero wrinkles thrown in. The Chargers knew what the Bengals wanted to do, they took it away, and had nothing to worry about from an adjustment standpoint.

Jay Gruden calls a game as if he is playing a game of Madden. 30 yard passes on 4th and 3? Throwing on the goaline last week against Baltimore? The Redskins would do us a massive massive favor by getting this guy out of here as soon as humanly possible.

3) Marvin F**king Lewis

11 years.

0 playoff wins.

Really don't *need* to say any more than that. Marvin Lewis may be the single most infuriating coach I have ever witnessed in all of sports. If it isn't chuckling off hard questions, it's the simple "we just got beat today" answer to everything. 11 years, 0 playoff wins. 0-5 in the playoffs. 3 of those home games and you cant find a way to win a single one of them. I get that this team is technically still moving in the "right direction" but I'm just not sure how a team regroups after this loss and can honestly put faith in Marvin Lewis. You hear defensive players talk about how they would die for Zimmer. They'd give an arm and a leg for the guy. Have you ever heard a player suggest they'd give anything for Marvin Lewis or Jay Gruden?

Its been too long. It is time for Marvin Lewis to go.

My final comments are on this city as a whole. I love this city, and I don't intend to leave it as long as I live. That being said, my god this city has some of the dumbest sports fans I've ever encountered.

Look, I'm sure every city has its idiots, but good lord they sure find a way to make themselves heard here.

Mike Brown isn't the problem with the Cincinnati Bengals. (Yes, I realize he is in the above picture) I used to be one of the loudest voices opposing him because he was an idiot and he was out of touch. Mike Brown has come around if people have not realized this. He has lowered ticket prices (playoff prices not dictated by him), he is paying good money to keep top talent around, he has taken a step back in player personnel decisions. (Even though he wanted Kaepernick and Jay Gruden pushed for Dalton)

Someone actually called into the radio station today saying the Bengals didn't lose the owner and GM (who doesn't exist) did... okay then.

Finally, and I know I'm an extremely negative person. I am trying to work on that a bit...

But the Cincinnatians out there who are comforting yourselves by saying pitchers and catchers report in 40 days clearly have not paid attention to the Reds offseason, right? The Reds, who weren't good enough in 2013, lost 300 times on base in Choo, and replaced it with... Skip Schumacher and no clear plans to add someone else. Not seeing much to be positive about there?? I can't be alone right?

Finally, if the Bengals give Andy Dalton anything more than backup money, then I might just have to be done. I am not mentally or emotionally stable enough to watch that buffoon stink up this fine city any longer.

A Man Divided

When it comes to the Olympics, particularly the Winter Olympics, I truly am a man divided. To those of you that know me, (or can read the name I post under on this blog, or see any of my fantasy football team names), I am half Canadian. I am rather proud of that fact. Being a "Halfie" born in raised in the glorious U.S. of A. is really no big deal outside of the one month every four years of the Winter Olympics.

I... am a man divided.

The picture of a bald eagle making a maple leaf 

its bitch wasn't very fitting here.

Some may ask... who cares? Or why does it matter? Support them both, hope they both do well. I surely do. I hope Canada and USA is 1A and 1B in the medal count for the Winter Olympics. There is one sport though where I fear it is inevitable for them to face each other head to head in, and I cannot sit idly on the fence and have any self respect. 

The sport? My most beloved sport of hockey. (Exit 99.9% of my readers)

Yes, hockey. To those of you who write hockey off as a stupid sport, I get it, you don't understand it and you don't have a team so you aren't invested. Go watch a real game (not the shitty Cyclones) in person and you will gain a new respect for how fast, intense, and physical the game is. 

My entire life I have kept it plain and simple. I'm an American for the Summer Olympics, and I am a Canadian for the Winter Olympics. Win/Win and nobody gets hurt.

My dad and I have always enjoyed bonding over watching hockey and the Winter Olympics is like the World Cup in terms of intensity. He will 100% kick my ass if he reads this and realizes I have begun to consider myself divided in terms of hockey.

There are a few reasons I consider myself divided now, where in the past it was no question. Since I'm a list guy, (Yes, another stupid goddamn list) lets stick to that format.

1) I realized this year that it has been approximately 8 or more years since the last time I have been to Canada. I do plan on going back next year, but this is a long time for someone to claim to be a Halfie and not be in the country. 

Got my tuxedo ready.

When I was little, going to Canada was a once every other year sort of deal. I actually really did identify with being part Canadian and relished it. Given the time since my last visit and the fact that I have spent all of my live living and working in the USA, the reason for being conflicted is obvious.

2) I like winning, and while Canada will still be the favorite, the USA has, in my opinion, the best all around team they have ever had in this tournament. Canada has the majority of the stars, the Giroux, Stamkos, Crosby's of the world. USA has an extremely tough and talented roster, and the Americans hold an undisputed advantage at the goalie position. As much as I want them both to win, the inevitable game between these two teams will be the sporting event of the year, for hockey fans and hockey haters alike.

Ending image to the best hockey game

I have ever seen in my life.

When I was little, it was easy to root for Canada because it was a given that Canada would win. This was usually followed up with the brilliant trash talk that "of course you should win, its your only sport!" to which I chuckle, and point out that even the USA Mens Basketball Team has failed to win  Gold twice in my lifetime.

3) Good, fun, recognizable players that I am a fan of are finally getting their shot at playing for Team USA. For the longest time team USA would put guys on the ice that I just loathed with a passion. Guys like Jeremy Roenick and Chris Chelios. Brett Hull and Chris Drury. Just a bunch of buffoons that I cannot stand.

The USA team was announced on New Years Day and it is filled with awesome likeable guys. Johnathan Quick will be in the net for the Americans and this guy is absolute electric. My co-blogger and I saw JQ play against a stunningly bad cyclones team a few years ago in the lowly ECHL. This goalie was a freak, making just ridiculous saves look effortless. We had a hunch here and there that this guy would be someone special down the road.

Fast forward a few years and Johnathan Quick is the single best goalie in the world right now. To people who don't know much about hockey, a hot hand in nets can absolutely steal a tournament for you, and this is a massive advantage for the Americans.

Freaking Star

 A second guy who made the team that hits close to me is Max Pacioretty. I am a massive Montreal Canadiens fan and this guy has been the heart and soul of this team this year. He is a star and I am extremely excited he is finally getting a chance to shine.

(Sidebar: Absolutely amazing article on the USA Team selection process done by ESPN. It is long, but is extremely cool and worth reading. You can find it here.)

In summary.... I have absolutely no idea where my allegiance lies just yet. I am, as the title suggests, extremely divided. It is years of conditioning and father/son bonding versus the country I have called home all my life, supported by upcoming stars and very likeable figures.

The Olympics are a month away... I have some time, but it sure is dwindling fast!

P.S. start leaving comments on our posts, we want some feedback and banter!