Office Bathroom Etiquette

Going to the bathroom in the office should be a relieving experience. It is 2 minutes (or 30 minutes if you're some people) of relief from the otherwise bullshit and idiot-filled day. It is a holy place. Most men respect this sanctity because it is instilled in them from birth. It is innate.

Every once in awhile (or at least once a week at my damn job) some asshole rolls into the bathroom, completely blind to the rules and just ruins a good time. To the rules!

1) The Golden Rule

Every man knows the golden rule of bathroom etiquette. I shouldn't have to even list it, but for those of you who are clueless, the golden rule (and Man-Law rule) of bathroom etiquette is to leave a urinal between you and the next guy whenever possible.

The Mona Lisa of Bathroom Etiquette

 The most common offenders of this are old guys. I guess I get it, you're old and out of touch... whatever. It is still unacceptable no matter who you are. I don't wanna see your dangle, you don't need to see mine. If we are too close, the chances of this happening arise to unacceptable levels. Case Closed.

2) Bringing Food Into The Bathroom

I honestly did not know this was a problem until about three weeks ago. This is one of the nastiest habits I've ever seen. I was enjoying a nice whizz and suddenly I hear the "Crunch Crunch" sound of a guy just chomping into an apple. I don't care if you're going number 1 or 2, just wait to eat! The amount of germs and general nastiness involved in a typical men's public restroom is astounding.

I figure it saves time to just do the 

whole digestive cycle in one sitting.

 

3) No Small Talk 

 

Look, I get it. Nobody likes an awkward silence. Awkward silences are the second worst thing for guys to endure between each other. Its awful. Oh, what is the worst thing you ask? Fucking small talk.  Nobody wants to hear your commentary while using the facilities. 

 

-"Gee, you really had to go hah hah hah!"

-"I saw you last time I pee'd, we're on the same schedule!"

-"Hey, why the fuck is that guy over there eating an apple?" (okay, this one was me, I am guilty)

 

 4) Lift the Damn Seat

Sitting down on a toilet in any public facility is an awful and terrifying experience. You sit there and just pray the guy before you wasn't some monster heifer with some disgustingly unknown strain of ass-crabs that will ruin your life. If you're lucky, the seat is cold which means nobody's ass has been on it for hours. If you're not, you get the warm sensation that tells you that someone was here, and it was not very long ago.

Oh, thanks for the ass-crabs, Larry.

 

Lift the seat if you pee into a non-urinal. Clean up your mess. Don't foul up the place. You know how pissed off you'd be if the guy before you did it. Don't ruin someone else's 15 minutes of freedom because you're a selfish prick.

In the end... outside of the fact it gets us away from doing our job for a few minutes, using the restroom at work can suck. Public restrooms are awful places. Lets stop being selfish dicks and be a little less lazy to make it just a touch less awful for each other fellas.