Why Sportscenter Sucks

When I was growing up, Sportscenter was the best thing on TV. You could literally watch it from the time you wake up til the time you go to bed and it never gets old. It was highlights of every sports game from the previous day along with hilarious commentary and catch phrases from legends like Dan Patrick, Kenny Mayne, Stuart Scott, Scott Van Pelt, and I'm sure many more. (In no particular order, outside of Dan Patrick being #1)

The good ole days

Sportscenter today is an absolute debacle. It is a flat out disgusting shell of its former self. It is actually quite depressing to think about. The only time you even get a clip of highlights outside of the top 10 is if it is a New York, Boston, Los Angeles, or Lebron team in the highlight. They will beat a dead horse story until there is nothing left. (Richie Incognito, Lebron James, Aaron Hernandez, Michael Vick) They will run these stories for months on end when 100% of the details from the story were complete in the first week when the rest of the world has moved on.

BREAKING NEWS! Colossal dickhead picks his nose.

Stay tuned for the next month to see if he eats it!

 

 If there is a great baseball game between two small market teams, you won't see it outside of a web gem or the bottom ticker. Hockey might as well not exist (shutup hockey haters). The Bengals are 10-5? Who gives a shit? Rex Ryan made another quirky comment about how good his team is when they really suck again. The Carolina Panthers are suddenly nasty out of nowhere and show great promise you say? Yeah but Tony Romo is injured and out this week even though he sucks balls and has never accomplished anything ever, lets spend 20 minutes on it!

It's a joke. They are so out of touch with their audience it's unbelievable. The only reason Sportscenter still has any viewers at all is because for 15-20 years, people just got used to having that joke of a show as their background noise.

Whats the solution? 

Stop watching Sportscenter ya idiots! Give Fox Sports 1's sports recap show a try (If you get that channel). They have some of the annoying interviews with has-been assholes who can't find another place to get a paycheck (Lookin your way Gary Payton and Donovan McNabb), but generally they show a ton more highlights. If you haven't had the joy of watching Jay Onrait and Dan O'Toole, then please watch this video. I assure you you wont be disappointed. 

Yes they're Canadians... live with it. (Yes, I realize this is Sportcentre as well; however, the Canadian version actually stuck to highlights, these guys are now on Fox Sports 1)

P.S. Fox Sports has these ladies and my god how wonderful they are.

Erin Andrews/Charissa Thompson

 

Julie Stewart-Binks

Molly McGrath

 

Absolute bombshells all over the place! ESPN counters with......

This

 

 

I rest my case on the matter. 

 

 

 

Holiday Haitus

Sorry for the holiday break! Will try to post one or two more before the new year but definitely a busy time of the year with family and still working a bunch because I'm stupid and didn't save a bunch of sick time to call in with. 

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is undoubtedly my favorite day/season in the world. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas. May you and yours have a very wonderful Christmas holiday!

As I intend to spend my Christmas enjoying my family and friends, there will not be much of a blog post today; however, I figured I'd throw out a quick-hit because I found it hilarious.


If there is one negative to Christmas, and I mean only one, it is the god awful mess of wrapping presents.  I tried to wrap several presents today and it was an unmitigated disaster and there is no sugarcoating that. The gift was inside a shoebox, and here is the end result of my wrapping job....

It's true what they say about you
duct tape 

I am 25 years old. I have wrapped my last present. From this point forward I am strictly buying bags and that fancy paper everyone is going on about.

Giving someone a watch? Bag

Giving someone a bottle of wine? Bag

Giving my nephews a really nice new fishing pole? Big awkward ass bag

Oh yeah, I can fit ANY present in this mother

Merry Christmas you all! I hope you and yours have a fantastic Christmas. Be Safe!

Why Fantasy Football Is the Best Thing Ever Invented

Those that know me know that I am probably one of the biggest advocates of fantasy football out of anybody they know. I eat drink and sleep with it on the mind. It is probably one of my favorite hobbies out there, right up with video games.

Why is it so addicting to me? There are tons and tons of reasons. I'm a list guy, so lets keep with list format. (Note: These are numbered  because I'm OCD about numbered lists, there is no specific order)

1)  Fantasy football gives you a reason to watch games you frankly don't give a shit about.

Know what meant absolutely nothing to me before I began doing fantasy football? A Packers-Vikings Monday Night Football game. Two teams my team will never play against in an important game and its kickoff is borderline bedtime.

Enter Fantasy Football

This meaningless game now has Adrian Peterson and Greg Jennings for you versus Aaron Rodgers and a kicker in a close fantasy football game. This game has now gone from meaningless to literally every single play (Even in a blowout) being important. It gives Sunday and Monday Night a whole new dynamic. You're watching and rooting for the Bengals, sure, but you're also checking your score app or following games on your laptop as well.

And god gave us his only son. 

(shit, is that blasphemy?)

Fantasy Football is even great for the NFL as a whole. When people watch games they otherwise wouldn't care about, it makes more money for the sport. The more profitable the sport is, the better it should get for the teams, players, and fans.

2) Fantasy Football Draft Day is Second only to Christmas

My friends and I will literally begin discussing the fantasy football draft two months before the draft day. It is such an important day, it has to be discussed at length. You strategize and scheme of what players you'd like to get. Its funny, because no matter how much you prepare and think about what everyone is going to do, someone still throws a wrench in your plans by drafting someone way out of order or keeping James Jones. (lol)

For humiliating reasons, we keep identities hidden here

 After months and weeks of strategizing and planning for the draft, draft day finally arrives. Draft day consists of hanging out with 10 of your good buddies, drinking beer, eating pizza, having a good time. When the draft ends, its time for a throw back high school style guys night house party. (high school style, because no girls would hang out with us) The night cap is spending an hour straight looking at your team and thinking you did a sick job this year. You follow that up by analyzing the other teams and concluding which ones suck and which ones you are concerned about.

5 weeks later the regular season starts and you realized that you're a complete retard and every assumption you made was piss poor. Your team sucks, and that team you weren't worried about is making it rain.

3) Fantasy Football is Always Good Conversation

From pretty much the beginning of August through the end of December is fantasy football season. There is always something to talk about, or debate, or argue about when it comes to fantasy football. There are trade talks, trash talking, and all sorts of good conversation. There is the depressing admission of defeat "oh well fuck me I guess Jamaal Charles is just going to go for 5 TD this game." To the ridiculous Monday night comeback win where you had no chance but thanks to a series of fluke plays, you sneak out an extremely undeserved win. I don't think 12 hours of my day goes by during these months where I don't see one fantasy football related discussion between friends, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Custom Made for the Faceless Gentleman Above

(I didn't really make this)

 

Some people will hop into a conversation about how they don't like fantasy football because they don't like gambling or they think its dorky or this and that. If you don't like football or don't like sports in general, I completely understand. However, if your sole reason for not participating is to avoid gambling or something stupid and petty, then I really pity you. You are missing out on a really exciting and fun activity. You literally only have to look at it once or twice a week and it is the source for countless hours of excitement and entertainment.

Oh, and if you're awesome like me and can win a league or two, you make money! (Suck it, team Chest Hair)

Things They Dont Tell you About Buying a House

I recently purchased a house with my significant other/better half. People will tell you all kinds of things about how "You just don't realize all the little costs that go into buying a house" and "you don't realize how much work it is" so forth and so on.

For the most part you kind of just ignore it because honestly... no shit? Obviously its expensive and more work, the people telling you this stuff aren't exactly explaining the laws of physics to you.

Unless this crafty bastard tell you about it.

When he talks, your ass listens.

However, even with all the warnings and doomsday prophets telling you the colossal pile of work and headache you signed up for by buying a house, there are many warnings people forgot.

1) Every Minor Oddity Is Going to Blow Your House Up

Probably 1 out of every 10 times you plug something in to an electrical outlet a small spark appears. It happens in every house across the nation because that is what outlets and electricity do. It sparks. When you've recently dumped your life savings into a home, that harmless little spark becomes a whole new animal. It immediately floods your brain with "holy shit, that spark is going to light a fire and this massive investment I made is going to burn down around me."

I'm on to you you son of a bitch

Reality and common sense give way to paranoia and the assumption that if something can go wrong, it absolutely will. 

Lights Flicker? Power Issue

Door doesn't close right? My house is slowly being shrunk by aliens

Floor creaks where it didn't before? Termites, for sure termites.

It is a bizarre phenomenon. I experienced every one of these things probably on a daily or monthly basis in every house I have ever lived in, but the second its my own house, I'm Google searching how to build a fallout shelter because this shit is coming down around me and there is no stopping the tide.

2) Men and Women have VERY Different Concepts of "Dirty"

Learned this gem before we even moved in. After a day of painting and doing actual, noticeable work, my better half decided it was time to clean the house. I looked around, I did not see any piles of dust or crumbs or animal shit on the floor so naturally I was baffled. I played along like the nice guy I am and got down to help clean the not dirty house.

Might as well be an actual reenactment

See: Completely dirt-less towel

I scrubbed for the better part of an hour, taking breaks to pretend to scrub a different room that wasn't dirty at all. She would finish "cleaning" a different area and look at me with an exasperated look commenting how "dirty" and "disgusting" everything was. 

Moral of the story? Shit if I know, just pretend like you see the imaginary dirt and scrub your ass off or they'll make you do something even shittier.

3) Garbage Day

Garbage day is a small annoyance because obviously you figure it out after a week or two. That being said, nobody warns you ahead of time what day of the week garbage day is on. It is bizarre. When you first move in, you accumulate a pile of boxes and random stupid shit needing to be thrown away that would make the hardiest of garbage men shiver when he approaches your house.

Buncha sissies, I got this

Easy solution right? Look out the window before bed every night to see when the neighbors put their garbage out. Done deal, good night!

Problem with this brilliant theory - what if your neighbors are all decently older than you and they wake up at 5 a.m. and take their garbage out under the cover of darkness like the worlds weirdest action hero?

Exactly what happened. End result - we were stuck with a garage filled with useless shit we couldnt get rid of for another week because we slept right through garbage collection. Our garage was a veritable maze of boxes and awful smelling refuse. Would be nice if just one person would have said "Welcome to the neighborhood dickhead, garbage day is Thursday morning."

4) Houses Built Before 1990 are not Accommodating to Men

Ladies, (do we have ladies? I imagine one girl will stumble onto this blog right?) you may want to turn away from this part, it is admittedly a touch foul.

Bathrooms built in older houses are a freaking tragedy. (Not sure specifically what year my house was built in, we'll say between 1960-1980.) The one thing a good bathroom should provide is quality leg room so you can relax on a throne and not feel cramped up. Each facility in my new home is extremely cramped and either close to the sink vanity, or too close to the wall. This provides for an extremely unsatisfying and uncomfortable relief experience and frankly can ruin the momentum of a good day.

Heard that Brother

Maybe this one is a bit petty on my part.

All of these things aside, I am thrilled with my new home and am really excited to move into the next phase of my life. 

Should you be in the market for a home, or are considering buying a home, you are now aware of some pitfalls or things to be aware of! This blog is really about the betterment of mankind.

Cooking Without a Grill

So cooking without a grill is just about impossible. It has to be that, because the only other solution is that I am clearly a dumbass.

I tried my hand at making baked salmon tonight. You know, gout and such, staying away from meats is recommended. I started out with two awesome looking pieces of fresh cut, well seasoned, salmon.

Apparently fish likes to stick to shit once cooked. The end result was.... this:

Pretty sure a dog would even say wow...

F-That

Basically the foil melded into the actual fish and I ate a piece anyways. Pretty much just waiting to die at this point from aluminum-foil-poisoning.

Moral of the story? I'm starving.... and I wish it was spring so I could grill again.

So I Got the Gout

Fuck me right?

Diagnosed with Gout a few weeks ago. At first I was all like WTF is Gout, then I was confused because I thought only 800 year old bros get Gout.

Icing a bum ass toe is a great deal of fun

 

Apparently red meat and alcohol (specifically beer... how depressing) will just shit on your parade if your body cant handle it.

 

 Congratulations, you now know someone who isn't old as shit who has Gout. Glad I could be here for you all.

  

P.S. If you google image search Gout, some god awful terrifying shit comes up. I had a swollen foot and nothing more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For now.

The Problem With Rupp Arena

Myself and  a buddy attended the Kentucky V. Boise State game this year. It was the first game I had been to in Rupp Arena in about 3 years (I'm lazy and cheap.) These were sweet seats and they were free so I wasn't about to pass that up.

I realized the problem almost immediately, and while this is not necessarily news to anyone, I feel it has gotten much much worse over the years. The problem is that the student section is confined to one endline of the arena. The remaining lower level is filled with the octogenarians that literally cannot reach their seats without the assistance of a cane. (Guy next to me, literally had a cane.)

We had some pretty ridiculous seats.

Its hard to get to such good seats with a raging boner.

The problem is, that besides us and the student section, almost nobody in the lower level would make a single noise, cheer, or anything remotely resembling an excited gesture. It was disgusting.

What is the solution?

Well, Rupp is being renovated this year. I only hope that this renovation means they are putting luxury boxes to get these rich corpses away from the courts and let actual fans that are below retirement age enjoy a game close up and provide some energy for the team by cheering them on and being loud. It would also help to get an expanded student section, preferably on the sidelines as well as the endline. Preferably on the side of the court the camera sees so that when we do get a nationally televised game, the country isn't subject to 1,000 country bumpkins sitting around looking bored.

Hitting a goddamn free throw probably wouldn't hurt either.

So I have a blog?

Hey, its a blog.

Simple concept, bored guy speaking his thoughts that the world may or (more likely) may not be very interested to read. Generally going to cover a variety of topics. Sports is my first love so I will comment and/or complain  about that more than anything else.

I would appreciate comments and feedback (good or bad.) It'll probably take me awhile to find my style, we'll see.

Here's a picture of my cousins truck on fire last night in the middle of the night.